FemaleAustraliaMember since 29 Jul 16Last online 4 days ago

No melon = no lemon! Get it? Hehehe.
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Welcome! You can call me Pocky. Snacks are over there, the follow button is also over there, and I am over here if you would ever wish to chat!
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Ok let's be honest, there should be a Deathly Hallows symbol emoji. Just saying.
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  • Pocky_Jr☕️
    Wow, I like this! The atmosphere is brilliantly done, and the attention to detail really does the job of giving a vivid depiction of the setting.

    A few things of note:
    I agree with the previous comments — watch the paragraphing a little.
    There are a few places where I’d recommend watching out for some added or removed comma usage Or breaking up of sentences also. For example:
    “Even more unbearable than the smell is the fact that the benches which once spilled with people are now unbelievably vacant and the wide gap between each student present adds on to the emptiness left behind by the recent past events.” (in this case, I would recommend breaking the sentence up a bit, whether that be with dashes or commas or whatever)
    I noticed that some words were repeated within the same sentence as well which I don’t like personally, but honestly that’s me being pedantic and it really doesn’t detract from the writing that much.

    Apart from that, for a rough piece and a step back into writing after a hiatus, this is very well done!
    Paint
    Paint
    3
    71
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    A short write-up I wrote for my creative writing class. I wrote something after a long time (a very long time), so it's pretty rough. I need to restart again and improve, so I am always open for CC!
  • Pocky_Jr☕️

    mumbled "Just here with a mug of tea"

    Hi!

    I’m not dead.
    Totally haven’t been stalking all of my old Movellian friends for the last half hour xD
    Hope everyone is doing good! What’s been happening? I’m about to enter exam period, so the stress is hitting me a lil but ehh.
    So much has changed on here! They have... MESSAGES now? Wut? Hahahaha
    Ok, I’ll stop mumbling nonsense now but feel free to message me for insta / socials / catch up or whatever.
    Will probably mumble again in like six months or a year :P

    Laters!
    Pocky / Thanh

  • Pocky_Jr☕️
    Ok so I know we never talk and stuff and you probably forgot who I am but....
    Remember when we discussed exterminating insects? Nah?
    WELL WHERE I AM MOSQUITOS ARE TRYING TO START A WAR OR SOMETHING SO I'VE HAD NORMAL FLIES DESTROYING MY DRINKS AND MOSQUITOS TRYING TO DESTROY MY BLOOD. Who the hell do they think they are?? I'm so done with insects damn it
  • Pocky_Jr☕️
    1 Like
    Ok so I'm definitely not an expert on English, and I know you didn't ask me for CC but.......
    LET'S BE HONEST HERE YOU'RE GOING TO READ THIS ANYWAY AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT YOU'RE EITHER GOING TO IGNORE THIS OR DELETE MY COMMENT ENTIRELY.
    Don't ask why I put that in all caps, because I don't know either. I digress.
    "I’m alone here, it’s not great being by yourself. Especially, when I hadn’t asked for this. I never wanted to be alone."
    I think the comma after the especially wasn't really needed, and the first sentence might have sounded better as two sentences.

    “Tyler, if you don’t get up in the next five minutes. I’m going to have a serious word with your father.”
    I like this. It's realistic and gives a more hurried feeling to the scene, which I think you were going for but maybe you weren't and MAYBE I should stop rambling and go on. Sorry.
    This time I think a comma was needed between the two sentences. I think it would run smoother, to be honest.
    Same thing goes for:
    "Next time, I want you up, and out of that door before nine. If I find you in bed again, not even trying to get up. I will ban your free time for a month."

    "Leaving my room without even collecting the stack of dirty clothes. Hayley’s clothing, disturbing- kind of. I mean I didn’t want girl’s clothes to be in my room. Especially, her underwear. Ugh, I really don’t think I’m going to be able to bring myself to forgive her for this. I ignored it just like they all did, and headed downstairs skipping breakfast. Yeah, they don’t make me breakfast. I have to make that myself."
    Again, be careful with the comma usage. I think the last couple sentences could have been made into another paragraph as well.
    Also, be careful with your hyphen (is that what it is?) usage, because sometimes you use it when a conjunction or a full stop (period) may have been better.
    There were a few other rough patches where you should watch the commas and hyphens and sentences and all that (I FORGOT, AWOKEN MIGHT SOUND BETTER AS AWOKE), but I really like this story and where it's heading.
    I'm really sorry this is so disorganised, I'm half asleep and deprived of energy. :P
    The Other Side Of Her
    The Other Side Of...
    2
    778
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    Living with a disjointed family comes with many downsides. Moving away from such a family comes with perks. After spending Eighteen years of my life trying to live like everyone else. I finally find her,...
    3 SECOND LUKE
    3 years ago
    @[Lilmuffin] Thanks! I've just made many changes to this chapter. Correcting some errors, and also fixed up most of what you asked me to. Thanks again for the review! I always read my reviews / CC. Always! (:
    Pocky_Jr☕️
    3 years ago
    I'm glad I was some use to you, I was afraid I was too harsh and that everything I was saying was completely wrong. XD
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